Tag Archives: things

Things You Don’t Want To Hear

Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:

Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop
“Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”
Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
Hand me that…uh…that…uh…..thingie
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again…
“Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of ’em.”
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.
What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change…!
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?
Don’t worry; I think it’s sharp enough.
What do you mean “You want a divorce”!
She’s gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!

Top 7 things Elian Gonzalez’s Dad said his first day in the United States

1. I want to thank your great land for not turning my young boy into a political football.2. I will only be interviewed by respected ABC newsman Leonardo DiCaprio.3. As long as I’m here, I also want to take back Jennifer Lopez.4. Please don’t let Robert Urich play me in the movie version of this whole mess.5. I don’t care if you are from the Yankees – I can’t pitch!6. Elian can wait – first I visit the grave of Ricky Ricardo.7. I bow to your superior capitalist system which has given the world the hat that holds two beer cans.- “The Late Show with David Letterman”

Things to Ponder

1. Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?

2. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

3. Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

4. If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

5. Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

6. Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

7. Why is the alphabet in that order?

8. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

9. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?(I’ve tried it, it doesn’t work)

10. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

11. Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

12. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

13..If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

14. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

15. Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?

16. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

17. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

18. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

19. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

20. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

21. Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?

22. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

23. Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

24. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

25. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

26. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

27. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

28. Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

29. Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

30. Sooner or later, doesn’t EVERYONE stop smoking?

Top 10 things men know about women.

The top 10 things men know about women are:

(I think you get it where we’re going with this.)
(Hey Guys…”check out #8…a new one!)

Things that can go wrong on an airplane

My friend and I used to joke about all that could happen wrong
when we traveled together.

1) I fart and the oxagen masks fly down

2) I fart and burn a whole through the plane and we have to land

3) I have to go to the restroom so bad and someone is in it so I
lift my leg on the door

4) I ride underneath the plane with the luggage