16> Alec Baldwin signs up for yet another round of French lessons.15> Bruce Springsteen starts working on his new “Moved From the USA” album.14> Dems sponsor a bill making the uttering of the phrase “I told you so” punishable by death.13> George Soros buys a small Eastern European country with which to console himself.12> Michael Moore is so depressed he’s started to let himself go, and Sean Penn can’t find the will to hit anyone.11> Smoke alarms sound across the Northeast as distraught liberals forget to take their baked brie out of the oven.10> Convoys of Volvos crowd the Gay Head cliffs on Martha’s Vineyard and plunge lemming-like into the sea.9> The “Vote for Change” tour reunites as the “Panhandling for Change” tour.8> Thinking that the cameras are turned off, Dan Rather curls up in the fetal position and sobs uncontrollably.7> Chris White publishes a whiny little list about it.6> Al Franken starts work on his new book: “Lies, Lying Liars, and the Big Fat Idiot Ohio Voters Who– Oh, Why the Hell Do I Bother?”5> The DNC FedExes maps of key Ohio cities to Osama bin Laden.4> Al Gore claims that since he actually won in 2000, America just re-elected *him*.3> John Edwards has come so unglued, he actually has a hair out of place.2> Tom Daschle considers moving to a state that has building tall enough to jump from.1> In a back-alley brawl, Zell Miller ferociously kicks his own ass for being a spineless Democrat. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove
all your clothes when the light goes out.
2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder
yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty
the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by
this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft.
Please use side entrance)
6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything – bicycles,
washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a
7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point
will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER’S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their
garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and
doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the
field for free, but the bull charges.
13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will
tell you how to get lessons.
14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock
hard on the door – the bell doesn’t work)
15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of
order. Please use floor below.
14> Your kids refer to riding the bus to school as “downsizing.”
13> Before go you out, you have to file for a parade permit.
12> You’re the first one in your neighborhood to own a 2004 Halliburton-Savior S-Class.
11> It has its own gravitational field and has drawn a Geo Metro into its orbit.
10> There are two successful Starbucks franchises located in the back seat.
9> It doubles as a carport for your Taurus.
8> It’s great for soccer moms, since the back seat folds down into an entire field, complete with goals.
7> You need a Sherpa and an oxygen tank to reach the driver’s seat.
6> Your buddy riding shotgun is in a different time zone.
5> Mortgage payment = $2200. Texaco card payment = $2201.
4> When you pull up to the pharmacy window, they already have the package of extra small condoms bagged and ready to go.
3> You get a letter from Hans Blix demanding that it be dismantled immediately.
2> Due to new military intel that has narrowed the search down to the inside of your vehicle, President Bush remains confident that Osama Bin Laden will someday be found.
1> The fuel gauge doubles as a fan.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
10. “Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?”9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.7. When you log on, your computer says “You’ve got lawsuits!”6. You’re suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.5. Sotheby’s says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.3. Terse “Knock it off, Oedipus” e-mail from your Mom.2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.1. “The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately.”
15> Ben Stiller is a New York lawyer out of place in the South in My Cousin Ira.14> The MPAA is requiring a 90% Recycled Content notice on all new films.13> Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jim Carrey have signed on to star in Predator and Predatorer.12> Haley Joel Osment is starring in movie about a cereal killer titled, Hey Mikey!11> A young waitress at a Chinese takeout comes of age in the movie With Eggroll You Get Sex.10> A screw-the-rules cop and his by-the-book partner tussle with their superiors and each other as they try to stop a madman before he can carnally devastate another apple pie.9> Diane Keaton plays a desperate single woman who tries to find dates by pretending her car has broken down in Looking for Mr. Goodwrench.8> I Dunno, Dude, Where’s YOUR Car?7> Follow the excruciating and poignant final hours of a lonely Internet humor sweatshop owner in The Passion of the Chris.6> This summer: The Wizizzard of Ozizzle (Yo, we be representin’ the Lollipop Guild, witch-killa beyotch!)5> While writing her groovy Six and the City column for the school paper, Marcia reveals that Jan is barren, Cindy’s a slut, Greg won’t commit, Peter’s impotent and Bobby just can’t find Mr. Right.4> The new NC-17 movie version of BJ and the Bear has actual bears and actual BJs.3> Dolly Parton, Calista Flockhart and Lara Flynn Boyle have inked a deal to star in Disney’s upcoming Big Knobs and Broomsticks.2> In Pride of the Reds, Pete Rose gives 3-to-1 odds that today he is the luckiest man on the face of the earth.1> Due by Easter: The Passion of the Christ II: Freddy vs. Jesus [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]