Category Archives: Top Lists Jokes

Top 7 things Elian Gonzalez’s Dad said his first day in the United States

1. I want to thank your great land for not turning my young boy into a political football.2. I will only be interviewed by respected ABC newsman Leonardo DiCaprio.3. As long as I’m here, I also want to take back Jennifer Lopez.4. Please don’t let Robert Urich play me in the movie version of this whole mess.5. I don’t care if you are from the Yankees – I can’t pitch!6. Elian can wait – first I visit the grave of Ricky Ricardo.7. I bow to your superior capitalist system which has given the world the hat that holds two beer cans.- “The Late Show with David Letterman”

The Top 13 Signs You Watch Too Much TV

13> Your co-workers are obliviously to the fact that your ‘DayTimer’ is really a leather-bound TV Guide.12> You’re still trying to find a publisher for your book ‘C-Span for Dummies.’11> You have DSS, DVD, HBO, MTV, HDTV, MSNBC — and HSA (Huge Sofa Ass).10> To reduce ‘downtime’ — you got an *elective* colostomy. 9> Last night you dreamt Sally Struthers begged you to send money to buy rice for poor, starving Ally McBeal. 8> Your name: Nick Nickelodeon’s new channel: Nick for Nick 7> You write daily to the producers of ‘Bassmasters’ to urge them come out with movie version. 6> Your last comment to your most recent ex-wife: ‘Shhhhhhh! T.J. Hooker’s on.’ 5> You effortlessly crack walnuts with your clicker thumb. 4> Forget the dish, *you* have your own friggin’ satellite. 3> As surgeons painstakingly remove the petrified Cheetos embedded in your gargantuan ass cheeks, you spend the entire 7 hours staring dumbly at the EKG monitor. 2> Those 37 electrocutions still don’t deter you from watching cartoons in the shower. 1> The last time you *read* for enjoyment was when they subtitled Arnold the Pig on an episode of Green Acres.

The Top 15 Dishes Containing Condoms (R-rated version)

15> Porked Loins

14> McRibbed Sandwich

13> Sheath Bars

12> Chicken Trojanzini

11> Rack of Lambskin

10> Glove ‘n’ Roasted Chicken

9> Chili Con Carnal

8> “The Wilt Chamberlain” sandwich at the Carnegie Deli

7> Pheasant Under Glans

6> Condomleezza Rice

5> Safe Sexchuan Chicken

4> Creme Booyeah

3> Veal Scumbagini

2> Quiche Lorraincoat

1> Newman’s Own Chowder [tm]

[ The Top 5 List ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Top 10 Things We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson say in the Star Wars Prequel:

10. You don’t need to see my goddamn identification, ’cause these ain’t the motherfuckin’ droids you’re looking for.

9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I’ll never know, ’cause I’d never touch the filthy motherfucker.

8. This is your father’s lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin’ stormtrooper in the room … accept no substitutes.

7. If Obi-wan ain’t home then I don’t know what the fuck we’re gonna do. I ain’t got no other connections on Tatooine.

6. Feel the Force, Motherfucker.

5. “What” ain’t no planet I’ve ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on “What”?

4. You sendin’ the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that’s all you had to say!

3. Yeah, Chewie’s got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He’s a Wookie.

2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch? Then why are you tryin’ to fuck him like one?

1. Hand me my lightsaber… it’s the one that says, “Bad Mother Fucker.”

Things to do at a Fast Food Drive Thru

1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

2. Drive through backwards.

3. Belch your order.

4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

6. Walk through.

7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

8. Repeat everything the order taker says.

9. Attempt to take the order-takers order (“Hi, may I take your order?”) before they get a chance to take yours.

10. Order confusing items, i.e., “Hi, I’ll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please”.

11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out ofnline and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they’ll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.

14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

17. One word: Flatulence!

18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to “check out the babe”.

20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.