Category Archives: Seniors Jokes

God’s Doing a Better Job!

A grandfather and granddaugher were sitting and talking when the
young girl asked, “Did God make you, Grandpa?”

“Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me
too?”

“Yes, He did,” the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her
grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her
grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last
she spoke up.

“You know, Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better job
lately.”

Share Everything 50/50

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at
McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an
extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully
divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one
for him, one for her, until each had half of them.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra
cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to
eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her
lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase
another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years,
and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and
she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn with the teeth.”

Old Bloke at the Movies

A young couple smell something while watching a movie together.
So the young bloke taps an old bloke beside him on the shoulder
and says, “Ay, old fulla, did you shit yourself?”

The old bloke looks up slowly and says, “Yep.”

“Why don’t you move then,” says the young lad.

The old bloke grunts a bit, then says, “Haven’t finished yet.”

Old Lady and Her Coins

An old lady was waiting for the bus. Because she had been mugged
so many times on the street she kept all of her money in her
underpants. When the bus finally came she dug in her underpants
and pulled out a quarter to pay for her bus fare. The bus driver
looked down at the coin she had submitted and said, “I’m sorry
ma’am but we don’t take scabs!”

Americans were saying in 1959…

Here are a few things that Americans were saying in 1959. Some
of you will remember, some will only laugh…

* I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they
are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for
$20.

* Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be
long before $2,000 will only by a used one.

* If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A
quarter a pack is ridiculous.

* Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime
just to mail a letter?

* If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able
to hire outside help at the store.

* When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would
someday cost 30 cents a gallon? Guess we’d be better off leaving
the car in the garage.

* Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail haircuts make it
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be
wearing their hair as long as the girls.

* Pretty soon, you won’t be able to buy a good 10-cent cigar.

* I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible
to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.

* Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract
for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if
someday they’ll be making more than the President.

* I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances
would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.

* It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few
married women have to work to make ends meet.

* It would be long before young couples are going to have to
hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

* I’m just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door
to a whole lot of foreign business.

* Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the government
takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are
electing the best people to Congress.

* The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I
seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

* There is no sense going to the city for a weekend. It costs
nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.

* No one can afford to be sick anymore. $35 a day in the
hospital is too rich for my blood.

* If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the
country, that’s fine, but nothing will ever replace trains.

* I don’t know about you, but if they raise the price of coffee
to 15 cents, I’ll just have to drink mine at home.

* If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a haircut, forget it. I’ll
have my wife learn to cut hair.

* We won’t be going out much anymore. Our babysitter informed us
she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees.