Category Archives: Mostly True Stories Jokes

Instructions for Use

These statements were found on actual products.

On hairdryer instructions Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

Frozen dinner that says: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

On Tesco’s Tirimisu dessert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box)

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boots’ (pharmacy chain in the UK) children’s cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery after use.

On Nytol: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury’s peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

A rogue guide dog has

A rogue guide dog has been destroyed after leading four of its blind owners
to their deaths.

Charity workers were last night facing an investigation into how
four-year-old Labrador Gamer was allowed to continue his murderous spree.
Officials have admitted how:

  • Victim Nunmber 1 was dragged under the wheels of a bus.
  • Victim Nunmber 2 drowned when she was led off the end of a pier.
  • Victim Nunmber 3 was shoved into the path of a speeding train.
  • Victim Nunmber 4 was left stranded as a truck mowed him down.

Trainer Rudi Jones, 48, told newsmen in South Africa:
“He was basically a good dog who needed brushing up on his skills.It’s so
sad that he had to be put down.”

Gamer’s terror trail began with the death of 43-year-old Selmer Draznower
from Johannesburg. Witnesses told how Gamer dragged his master under the
wheels of an approaching bus before scampering off.

Amazingly, Gamer was then given to 68-year-old Wilma Hassamore who survived
just three months after his arrival. Gamer decided to cut short her
seaside holiday by leading her off the end of a pier. The dog pulled back
at the last second but Wilma plunged into the sea and drowned.

Next was Marvin Wurtenheim, 28, who thought his prayers had been answered
when Gamer arrived. But the misguided mutt butted Marvin off a railway
platform.

Unbelievably, the dog was then given to retired Clarence MacDuff, 67, also
from Johannesburg. As Gamer was guiding the unlucky Clarence to his doctor,
the hapless hound dragged him under the wheels of a delivery truck.

A spokesman for the Guide Dogs For The Blind Association, in Durban, South
Africa, said: “We had no choice but to have him put down.”

Last night, the chief trainer for Britain’s Guide Dogs For The Blind
Association, Bob Steele, said: “This could never happen here. If there are
any doubts about the animal, it is dropped from our training programme at
once.”

Eating Slugs

About 2 years ago, there was a big flap when a 6 year old boy and his 3 year old sister disappeared from their home. The police searched, the parents freaked, and the media-types looked solemn as they announced that there was still no trace of the children. The kids showed up a few days later. It seems that they had run away from home due to some dispute over second helpings of Ovaltine or some such. The funny part was when the media-type was interviewing the boy.

Interviewer: “Weren’t you cold at night?”

Boy: “Naw. We just slept under a porch.”

Interviewer: “Didn’t you get hungry? What did you eat?”

Boy: “Slugs.”

Interviewer: (Turning a delightful shade of green but still game.) “How did you eat them?”

Boy: “We boiled them in some aluminum foil we stole. They taste kind of like chicken …”

Interviewer: (Going a deeper green.) “Back to you, Cathy..”

Now there is a real survivalist. Having eaten escargot, (once), I’m of the opinion that snails are just slugs in dress clothes.

Anger management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.

It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, “Hello.” I politely said, “This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?” Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an @$$hole!” and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word ‘@$$hole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an @$$hole!” It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic ‘@$$hole’ calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I’m just calling to see if you’re interested in the Caller ID program?”

He yelled, “NO!” and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an @$$hole!”

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first @$$hole, ( I had his number on speed dial ), I thought I had better call the BMW @$$hole, too.

I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Can you tell me where I can see it?”

“Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s parked right out in front.”

“What’s your name?” I asked.

“My name is Don Hansen,” he said.

“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”

“I’m home every evening after five.”

“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”

“Yes?”

“Don, you’re an @$$hole.” Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two @$$holes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be So, I came up with an idea.

I called @$$hole #1.

“Hello.”

“You’re an @$$hole!” (But I didn’t hang up.)

“Are you still there?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said.

“Stop calling me,” he screamed.

“Make me,” I said.

“Who are you?” he asked.

“My name is Don Hansen.”

“Yeah? Where do you live?”

“@$$hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front.”

He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”

I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, @$$hole.”

Then I called @$$hole #2.

“Hello?” he said.

“Hello, @$$hole,” I said.

He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are!”

“You’ll what?” I said.

“I’ll kick your @$$,” he exclaimed.

I answered, “Well, @$$hole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 4 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

There I saw two @$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works.

Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis

Kentucky:…

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM cash machine by running
a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of
pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off
their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still
attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With
their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper.