Category Archives: Military Jokes

Monopoly Punny

It seems that, late in the war in Vietnam, the CIA became displeased with the amount of cooperation they were getting from the South Vietnamese government. So, they decided to stage a coup, depose then-President Thieu, and install someone more to their liking.

A special field agent, code name “Jack,” was dispatched to meet with the Saigon bureau chief (code named “Santa”), and work out a plan. The plan was that the local agents (code names “Comet,” “Cupid,” “Donner,” and “Blitzen”) would lay the groundwork, bribing guards, setting up escape routes, and so forth.

Then, on a specified night, “Jack” would assassinate the head of the army, General Po, by releasing poison gas into the ventilation system of his residence. Following this, he would kidnap President Thieu, who was thought to have some value alive, and take him to the coast, where “Jack’s” partner, “Jill,” would be waiting with a boat to take them to an offshore submarine.

All seemed to be going according to plan. Then, on the very day the coup was to be carried out, one of the local agents was captured by the South Vietnamese secret police! “Santa” knew that this particular agent wasn’t very good at resisting torture, and would soon be screaming out all he knew. Knowing he had to work fast, “Santa” wrote up a special coded message, and had a courier get it to “Jack” immediately.

Luckily for the CIA, “Jack” received the message in time, so the plan was aborted, and a messy international incident was averted. The message “Santa” sent, after decoding, read: “Go to Jill. Go directly to Jill. Do not gas Po. Do not collect Thieu–Donner hollers.”

US Air Force Humor!

“Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal – #1 #3 and #4 propellers
lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That’s what they’re there for

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, “fly right” and be serious!

(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Eyes Look Red

When pulled over by a police officer, if the officer says, “Gee
you eyes look red, have you been drinking?”

The incorrect answer would be, “Gee officer your eyes look
glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

Wooden Airfield

An enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has
been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German
“airfield,” constructed with meticulous care, was made almost
entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun
emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.

The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied
photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last
wooden plank. Early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed
the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a
large wooden bomb.

First Time in Prison

This man is convicted of crime and sentenced to do hard time in
prison. The man has never been imprisoned before and is very
scared. He is most terrified from the stories of how new inmates
are raped and used sexually by other prisoners.

As he is being led to his cell the first day, other inmates are
whistling at him and yelling lewd comments. This only
intensifies his worries and concerns about being raped.

When he reaches his cell, he sees that his cellmate is a very
large, ugly, mean-looking guy. The man is just sure that he’ll
be abused. When the guard leaves, the cellmate says nothing and
appears uninterested in the man’s arrival. He is is a little
relieved. “Maybe I got lucky,” thinks the man to himself.

The end of the day approaches and still no conversation or
contact from the big, ugly cellmate. The guards announce lights
out, and the place goes almost black. The man is relieved when
still nothing is said and starts to relax a little.

Then all of a sudden in a deep, straight-forward voice, the
cellmate says, “You want to be the man or the woman tonight?”

The man’s heart races and he is stricken with fear. This is the
moment he’s been dreading. He says, “Excuse me?”

Again, the big, ugly cellmate says, “You gonna be the man or the
woman tonight?”

The man thinks to himself that he has no way to avoid this
situation. The other guy is too big and there is no escape. He
says, “I think I’d like to be the man,” thinking that he can at
least close his eyes and perform the sex act without pain this
night.

The cellmate says, “You want to be the man tonight?”

The man replies, “Yes, please, if that’s alright with you.”

The big ugly cellmate turns around, drops his pants, bends over
spreading his ass cheeks wide. He looks around and say to the
man in a deep demanding voice, “Alright, then get over here and
start eating your ol’ lady’s pussy!”