Category Archives: Lawyers Jokes

In the courtroom…

A man is in court. The Judges says,”on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?”

“Guilty”, said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted “You dirty rat!” The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued “….. and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead”?

“Guilty”, said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, “You dirty rotten stinking rat”!!

At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, “I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?”

He replied “He is my next door neighbor”.
The Judge replied, “I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments”.

The man replied “NO, your Honor, you don’t understand.
Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn’t have one”!!!

blind animals

There’s a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends. One day, the blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn’t know what he is, because he can’t see. The blind snake takes ahold of the rabbit and says, “Well, you have long fur covered ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit.” The rabbit was happy to know what he was. He tells the blind snake, “Come here and I will try to determine what you are.” The blind rabbit feels the snake and finally says, “You’re cold and slimy and don’t have any balls. You must be a lawyer.”

Old Ladies Nipple

One day poor old Lena decided she didn’t want to be in this world any longer. She resolved to commit suicide. She figured the best way was to shoot herself in the heart…but she didn’t know just where her heart was. She called a doctor for the information.The doctor said that usually on a women, the heart is located about four inches below the left nipple.Lena followed the directions perfectly and was therefore very surprised to regain consciousness in a hospital.”I should be dead!” she wailed.”Don’t worry, lady,” the orderly answered, “your knee will mend before you know it!”

Four surgeons

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.

“I think accountants are the easiest to operate on,” said the first surgeon.
“You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”

“I think librarians are the easiest to operate on,” said the second. “You open
them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”

“I like to operate on electricians,” said the third. “You open them up and
everything inside is color-coded.”

“I like to operate on lawyers,” said the fourth. “They’re heartless,
spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable.”

Strange

A lawyer named ‘Strange’ was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made
his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
“Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer. “Sorry, but I
can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter giving the lawyer a little elbow nudge,
“In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. The
stonecutter then suggested, I could put ‘Here lies an honest lawyer’.” “But that
won’t let people know who it is,” protested the lawyer. “It most certainly
will,” retorted the stonecutter. People will read it and exclaim, “That’s
Strange!”