Category Archives: Jews Jokes

The Minister, Priest and Rabbi

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It
was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came
upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off
all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while
enjoying their “freedom.” As they were crossing an open area,
who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to
get their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered
their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for
cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on,
the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his
face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, “I don’t know
about you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face they would
recognize!”

Wave that Towel…

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are
very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does
sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife
is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes
the following suggestion.. “Hire a strapping young man. While
the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel
over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on
an orgasm.” They go home and follow the rabbi’s advice. They
hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they
make love. It doesn’t help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. “Okay”, says the rabbi to
the husband, “let’s try it reversed. Have the young man make
loveto your wife and you wave the towel over them.” Once again,
they follow the rabbi’s advice. The young man gets into bed with
the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to
work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous,
room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the
young man and says to him triumphantly…”You see, you schmuck,
THAT’S the way you wave a towel!”

The Yo-Yo Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays

The Yo-Yo Diet Guide to the Jewish HolidaysRosh Hashanah —- FeastTzom Gedalia —– FastYom Kippur ——- More fastingSukkot ———– FeastHoshanah Rabbah — More feastingSimchat Torah —- Keep feastingMonth of Heshvan – No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.Hanukkah ——— Eat potato pancakesTenth of Tevet — Do not eat potato pancakesTu B’Shevat —— FeastFast of Esther — FastPurim ———— Eat pastryPassover ——— Do not eat pastryShavuot ———- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)17th of Tammuz — Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)Nine days ——– Don’t eat meat. Might be OK to eat cheescake or blintzes.Tish B’Av ——– Very strict fast (don’t even think about cheesecake or blintzes)Month of Elul —- End of cycle.

The Eight Days of Hanukkah (song)

The Eight Days of HanukkahOn the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me Lox, bagels and some cream cheeseOn the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheeseOn the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheeseOn the fourth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 4 potato latkes 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheeseOn the fifth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 5 bowls of chicken soup 4 potato latkes 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheeseOn the sixth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 6 pickled herrings 5 bowls of chicken soup 4 potato latkes 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheeseOn the seventh night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 7 noodle kugels 6 pickled herrings 5 bowls of chicken soup 4 potato latkes 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheeseOn the eighth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 8 Alka- Seltzer 7 noodle kugels 6 pickled herrings 5 bowls of chicken soup 4 potato latkes 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheesePS:For the Israeli version, substitute 1 Falafel ball , 2 spoons of Hummos, 3 liters of Tehina, 4 plates of salads, 5 glasses of eshkoliot (grapefruit juice), 6 bags of pita, 7 mouthfuls of ful and 8 greps

Honeybees

Two bees meet at a local rosebush.First Bee: You look horrible — emaciated. Have you been getting enough to eat?Second Bee: I know. Haven’t been lucky. I’m practically starving.First Bee: Hey! There’s a Bar Mitzvah just a couple of hundred yards down the road. They always have plenty of flowers & a lot to eat. Try thereSecond Bee: OK. I’ll see what I can find (off he flies)The following day they meet at the same rose bushFirst Bee: Hey, you look a lot better. Did you find the Bar Mitzvah?Second Bee: Yea! Boy what food!First Bee: Hey, what are you wearing on your head?Second Bee: Oh, that’s a yarmulke. I didn’t want those Jews to think I was a WASP