Category Archives: Irish / British Jokes

Air Disaster

Ireland’s worst-ever air disaster occurred today when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this
afternoon in central Dublin. Irish search and rescue workers
have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the evening.

Irishman Falling Down

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up
to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more
time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some
fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he
stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4
blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and
again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and
into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This
time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell
right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the
pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him,
shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!”

“What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent
look.

“The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again.”

Sandwiches

There once was this American, Scottish man, and Irishman who all
used to work together at the same building site, and each day
they would sit out on a steel girder 40 floors high and eat
their lunches.

One day the american opens his lunch up and says, “fucken
baloney, I have had it everyday for the past 5 years, and if I
get it again tomorrow, I am gonna jump off this steel girder!!!”

The scottish man opens his lunch and says, “bloody lettuce
sandwich, I have had lettuce sandwiches for the past 10 years
and I am sick to death of them, if I get lettuce tomorrow I too
am gonna jump off this steel girder”.

The Irish man says, “bloody fucken cheese again, if I fucken get
cheese tomorrow I too am gonna jump!!”.

The next day, once again the three men go out and sit on the
girder to eat their lunches.

The american opens up his lunch and says, “fucken baloney again,
fuck that, I have had enough!!!”, and with that he jumps off the
steel girder to his death.

The Scottish man opens his lunch and says, “bloody lettuce
again, to hell with it!!”, and he too jumps off the steel girder.

The Irishman opens his lunch and says, “bloody fucken crappy
cheese again, fuck that and fuck me, I have had enough!!!”, and
he too jumps off the steel girder to his death.

The next day at the combined funeral the three wives are sitting
there together sobbing. The American’s wife says to the other
two, “I didn’t realise he had a problem with baloney, all he had
to do was say something and I would have made something
different for him!!”.

The Scootish mans wife also says, “I too did not realise there
was a problem, all he had to do was say something and I would
have made him something different!!”

The Irishmans wife then says, “well I am not exactly sure of
what the problem was with my husband, he used to get up every
morning and make his own lunch!!!!”.

Letter from an Irish Mother

Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know that I’m still alive. I’m
writing this letter slowly because I know that you can’t read
fast. You won’t know the house when you get home because we’ve
moved.

About your father. He has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under
him; he cuts the grass at the cemetery. There was a washing
machine in the new house when we moved in but it hasn’t been
working too good. Last week I put your father’s shirt in, pulled
the chain and haven’t seen it since.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I don’t know if it
is a boy or a girl yet so I can’t tell you if you are an uncle
or an auntie. Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of
whiskey at the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to
save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and
it took 5 days to put out the fire.

I went to the doctor last Thursday and your father came with me.
The doctor put a small glass tube in my mouth and told me not to
talk for 10 minutes. Your father offered to buy it off him.

It rained last twice this week. First for 3 days then for 4. We
got a letter from the undertaker. He said that if the last
payment on your grandfathers plot isn’t paid within 7 days, then
up he comes.

-Your loving mother
PS. I was going to send you 10 dollars but I had already sealed
the envelope.

(This joke was found in: “The Serious Joke Book” by George Coote)

Cool joke hey?

Irish Wedding vs. Irish Funeral

What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish
funeral?

There’s one less drunk at the funeral.