Category Archives: Holiday Jokes

Christmas Gift

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

“I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. “These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. “I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. “When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. “Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love.

“P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”

Christmas Party

How To Tell If You’re Throwing A Successful Christmas Party

– Festivity Level One –
Your guests are sitting around chatting, nibbling the party food, sipping
their drinks. They are admiring your Christmas tree ornaments and stand
around the piano singing carols.

– Festivity Level Two –
Your guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one another. They are
wolfing down the food, gulping their drinks, rearranging your Christmas
ornaments and sitting on the piano singing “I Gotta Be Me.”

– Festivity Level Three –
Your guests are holding conversations with inanimate objects, gulping
other peoples’ drinks, wolfing down Christmas ornaments and dancing around
the piano shouting the words to “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.”

– Festivity Level Four –
Your guests, food smeared across their naked bodies, are capering around
the burning Christmas tree in some unholy ritual. The piano is missing.

Unless you rent your home, or own heavy firearms, you generally don’t want
your parties operating above Level Three. The true test of party success,
however, is whether or not the police arrive. If they do arrive, your job
as host is to see that they don’t arrest anyone. If they are intent on
arresting someone, your job is to see that it isn’t you. Following is an
example of how to successfully handle this situation:

Police: “We’ve come in response to the complaints.”

You: “Complaints? It isn’t about the drugs, is it?”

Police: “No, sir, not drugs.”

You: “The guns, then? They’re complaining about the guns?”

Police: “No, sir. It’s about the noise.”

You: “Oh that’s all right then. ‘Cause there sure aren’t any guns or drugs
here, heh heh.”

[An explosion sounds somewhere behind you]

You: “Or fireworks either! The neighbors complained, did they?”

Police: “No, sir. The neighbors all fled inland hours ago. The recent
complaints have come from Iowa.”

[At this point a Volkswagen Bug, painted in various arcane symbols, roars
out of the living room, down the hall past you and the policemen, out into
the front yard and into the nearest tree. Eight naked bodies tumble out,
moaning.]

You: “There, you see? It’s winding down already.”

Question and answer Christmas joke

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?A: Because it ” soots ” him!

Top 16 Passover Pickup Lines…

Top 16 Passover Pickup Lines
16. Let’s play ‘bury the shank bone’.
15. Gefilte fish jelly makes great lubrication.
14. I hear that horseradish is an aphrodisiac.
13. Have you ever done it on a seder plate?
12. Maybe when Elijah comes, we can make it a threesome.
11. Let’s make this night really different from all others nights.
10. Want to wander through my desert?
9. Nice Hagadah!!!
8. What’s a girl like you doing at a seder like this?
7. Rabeinu, Moshe Rabeinu. OO7!
6. Would you like to play with my matzah balls?
5. Can I part your Red Sea?
4. There’s no law against leavened _______!!!
3. I’ve got a Ramses in my pockets that wants to put you back into slavery!
2. May I climb your Mt. Sinai’s?
AND THE NUMBER ONE PASSOVER PICKUP LINE….
1. Wanna look for MY afeikomen?

How to liven up

How to liven up Thanksgiving dinner…

Open the oven, shove hunks of velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.

Shoot olive pits at Grampa’s glasses (just pinch them in your fingers and they FLY!!)

Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud ”BUZZ”ing noise.

Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad’s not looking.

Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.

Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.

Hold your nose while you eat.

Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

Mid-meal turn to mom and say, ”See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice, you were worried for nothing”.

Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your ”shake” back to the table.

Announce that you’ve got a new fear of choking.

When you arrive, promise that your date won’t be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.

Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you, ”THE SAFETY IS ON”, while you hold your pocket.