Category Archives: Governenment Jokes

Crossword

A lady was on a train trying to solve a crossword puzzle. After
minutes of difficulty, she turned to the man next to him and
said, “Could you please help me on this one word?” The man said,
“Sure.”

The lady said, “OK. I need a four letter word that ends with
IT.” The man replied, “What’s the clue?” “What is in a bird cage
and what the governor is full of.” After a few minutes, the man
said, “Oh! It must be ‘grit’.” To which the lady replied, “So it
is! Do you have a pencil with an eraser?”

Clinton’s Back!

Knock Knock……….

Who’s there?

Monica……..

Monica Who?

Very good Mr. President just like we practiced! Now lets go to
that Press Meeting.

Republicans

You may be a republican if:

– You think “proletariat” is a type of cheese.

– You’ve named your kids “Deduction one” and “Deduction two”

– You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if
people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

– You’ve ever referred to someone as “my (insert racial or
ethnic minority here) friend”

– You’ve ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed
to welfare.

– You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

– You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

– The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because
heck, they’re richer than you.

– You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

– You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

– You call mall rent-a-cops “jack-booted thugs.”

– You’ve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

– You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “Why don’t we just bomb the
sons of bitches.”

– You’ve ever said, “I can’t wait to get into business school.”

– You’ve ever called a secretary or waitress “Tootsie.”

– You answer to “The Man.”

– You don’t think “The Simpsons” is all that funny, but you
watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

– You fax the FBI a list of “Commies in my Neighborhood.”

– You don’t let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse
Bert and Ernie of “sexual deviance.”

– You scream “Dit-dit-ditto” while making love.

– You’ve argued that art has a “moral foundation set in Western
values.”

– When people say “Marx,” you think “Groucho.”

– You’ve ever yelled, “Hey hippie, get a haircut.”

– You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

– You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever
attacks your home.

– Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

– You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of
racism in America.

– You’ve ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

– You’ve ever said “Clean air? Looks clean to me.”

– You’ve ever called education a luxury.

– You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

– You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

– You came of age in the ’60s and don’t remember Bob Dylan.

– You own a vehicle with an “Ollie North: American Hero” sticker.

– You’re afraid of the liberal media.”

– You ever based an argument on the phrase, “Well, tradition
dictates….”

– You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch “lives in a trash
can because he is lazy and doesn’t want to contribute to
society.”

– You’ve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their
bootstraps, when they don’t even have shoes.

– You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

Screw in a Light Bulb

How Many Republicans Does It Take to Screw in a Light Bulb?

Four hundred and seventy one.

12 to investigate Clinton’s involvement in the failure of the
old bulb,

23 to deregulate the light bulb industry,

16 to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D,

34 to cut the marginal tax rate on high-wattage light bulbs,

9 to threaten trade sanctions if Germany and Japan don’t start
buying more 110-volt bulbs,

53 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb,

41 to chat with defense contractors about equipping everyone in
the building with night-vision gear instead, and

283 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs, or
screwing anything, on the Internet.

The Cop and the Speeder

A young guy is speeding across a bridge in his fancy sports car.
Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side
of the bridge. The cop pulls him over, then walks up to the
guy’s car and asks, “What’s the hurry?” The guy replies, “I’m
late for work, officer.” “What do you do?” “Well, I’m a rectum
stretcher.” “What? A rectum stretcher?” The guy explains, “Yeah.
I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers…
eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly
stretch it until it’s about six feet wide.” The curious cop
asks, “What do you do with a six-foot asshole?” The guy answers,
“Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a
bridge.”