Category Archives: Catholics Jokes

confession

A new nun goes to her first confession.

She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The
priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity
of the confessional.

She says, “Father, I never wear panties under my habit.”

The priest chuckles and says, “That’s not so serious, Sister
Bernadette.

Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels
on your way to the altar.”

Satan comes for a visit

Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed. The
devil decides to pay a visit. The doors burst open, and a
roiling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People
jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming – all except
for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.

Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says,
“You! I can understand why you didn’t run away, you are in your
Lord’s house, you preach against me everyday and you aren’t
afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn’t you run
out scared like everyone else?”

The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, “Why, I’m
surprised you don’t recognize me…I’ve been married to your
sister for 36 years!”

Gifts to Mom

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able
to give their elderly mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second
said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled
and said, “I’ve got you both beat. Remember how mom enjoyed
reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. I sent
her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took
elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot
recites it.”

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks. “Milton,”
she wrote one son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in
only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay
most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the
driver is so rude!”

“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you have the good
sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”

Wash with holy water

Four nuns died simultaneously in a car crash and arrived at the
pearly gates. St. Peter asked the first nun, “Have you ever
touched a penis?” “Yes, father,” she replied, “I once touched a
man’s penis with the very tip of my finger.” “Swish that
offending finger in holy water,” St. Peter instructed, “say a
prayer begging forgiveness, and cross over into the promised
land.”

The second nun said, “Yes, father, I once touched a man’s penis
with my whole hand.” St. Peter instructed this second offending
girl to douse her entire hand in the holy water, say two prayers
begging mercy, and proceed to heaven.

As nun #3 approached, nun #4 shoved her aside, “Father,” she
shouted, “if you expect me to gargle with that crap AFTER she
dunks her ass in there, you’ve got another thing coming!”

Vacation To Rome

A man walks in to Joe’s Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As
he snips away, Joe asks, “What’s up?” The man explains he’s
taking a vacation to Rome.

“ROME?!” Joe says, “Why would you want to go there? It’s a
crowded dirty city! You’d be crazy to go to Rome. So how ya
getting there?”

“We’re taking TWA,” the man replies. “TWA?!” yells Joe. “They’re
a terrible airline. Their planes are old, the food is terrible
and they’re always late! So where you staying in Rome?”

The man says, “We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump?” says Joe. “That’s the worst hotel in the city! The
rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they’re
overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?”

The man says “We’re going to go see the Vatican and hope to see
the Pope.” “Ha! That’s rich!” laughs Joe. “You and a million
other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on the trip. You’re going to need it!”

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe
says, “well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave
you the worst flight of your life!”

“No, quite the opposite” explained the man. “Not only were we on
time in one of their brand-new planes, but it was full and they
bumped us up to first class.”

“Hmmm,” Joe says, “Well, I bet the hotel was just like I
described.”

“No, quite the opposite! They’d just finished a $25 million
remodeling. It’s the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential
suite for no extra charge!”

“Well,” Joe mumbles, “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope!”

“Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope
likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so
kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would
personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope
walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he
spoke a few words to me.”

Impressed, Joe asks, “Tell me, please! What’d he say?”

“Oh, not much really. Just ‘Where’d you get that awful haircut?'”