Category Archives: Bush Jokes

Clinton, Now Bush, Jr.?

The American myth is that every boy can grow up to be President.
The reality now is that the boy doesn’t have to grow up?!Clinton, Now Bush,
The American myth is that every boy can grow up to be President.
The reality now is that the boy doesn’t have to grow up?!

Texan in Hell

A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.

“Well, sir, we’re from Texas, and we’re used to the heat,” says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. “I’ll check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS.” He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.

The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans’ camp site, and sure enough they are showing some signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 Gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even rolled up his sleeves. “Well, sir,” explains a Texan, “when you have been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this ain’t hardly nothing.” The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red.

“Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let ‘s see what happens when I turn OFF the heat,” he says as he heads to the thermostat. “I’ll check on them tomorrow.”

So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans’ campsite, and they are all whoopin’ and hollerin’ and drinkin’ the beers from the ice chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans are partyin’ like there is no tomorrow.

“I don’t get it,” the Devil says, completely defeated. “I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?”

A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, “Look around! Hell is frozen over. That’s just gotta mean there is another Bush in the White House.”

The Bush Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all
those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie.” “Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that
St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Where’s Bush’s clock?” asked the man.
“Bush’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

At the inauguration:

President George H.W. and Barbara Bush: “I wish it was Jeb.”
Jeb Bush: “I wish it was me.”
Al Gore: “I wish it was me.”
Bill Clinton: “I wish it was me.”
Hillary Clinton: “I wish it was me.”
Dick Cheney: “It is me!”
George W. “What? The speech? You mean the one about the tax cut? The other
one? Where am I?”
Democrats: “How could the Republicans be so stupid?”
Stupid Republicans: “Why weren’t the Democrats bi-partisan enough to have
conceded the election in July? This speaks ill of them.”
Nader supporters: “He’s just like Gore… only worse.”
Nader: “I can’t tell the difference. Oh, wait! Stop there! These contacts are
much better. There! There’s the difference! Thanks, doc!”
Tipper: “I wish Al wasn’t so bald.”
Buchanan: “A Texan president! They’re letting all of the foreigners in!”
Colin Powell: “Secretary of State is almost like being president. Look at the
influence of Christopher Warren! Look at it!”
Gerald Ford: “And they called me ‘stupid!'”
President Reagan: “Nancy, he’s Bonzo’s son, right?”
Gorbachev, Jr.: “Now is the time to strike!”
This really makes me wish I was a talented comic strip maker.

WMD Found In Saddam’s Beard

Bush: Whiskers No Longer a Threat to U.S.

The search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq came to an end today as U.S. military officials found chemical, biological and nuclear weapons hidden in the scraggly beard of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.

The Iraqi madman had instructed his weapons scientists to create the WMD in microscopic form so that he could carry them around on his person at all times, the officials said.

U.S. General Ricardo Sanchez said that the discovery of WMD nestled in Saddam’s unkempt facial hair closes the book on one of Operation Iraqi Freedom’s most enduring mysteries.

“Now we know why we never found the weapons of mass destruction,” General Sanchez told reporters. “We never dreamed they were tiny enough to be hidden on someone’s face.”

The general added that Saddam was capable of launching his deadly weapons cache merely by shaking his head.

After he was captured, Saddam received a shave and a haircut from the Halliburton Company, who charged the former dictator the entire $750,000 he had in his possession.

The deadly beard was then stored in an airtight container and transferred to a U.S. military laboratory in Wiesbaden, Germany for future study.

At a press conference in Washington, President Bush praised the military for removing Saddam’s lethal beard once and for all.

“Thanks to the efforts of our coalition, Saddam Hussein’s whiskers will no longer harbor the world’s deadliest weapons,” Mr. Bush said.

Later in his press conference, the President revealed that U.S. forces found Saddam after receiving a tip from Tikrit that there was an ass in a hole in the ground.