Category Archives: Bar & Drinking Jokes

Sadamm body doubles

The night after the US dropped bunker bomb on Sadamm. Iraqs minister of information is holding a meeting of the polictcal elite. A body double gets up and asks about sadamms status. The minister tells them theres good news and bad news. The good news is he is alive. The bad news is he lost an arm

Stages of drunkenness

Stage 1 – SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 – RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 – INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.

If you drink, don’t call the cops

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. ‘They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!’ he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. ‘Never mind,’ he said with a hiccup, ‘I got in the back seat by mistake.’

$2000 cash prize

A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on a table beneath a big sign
that reads “$2,000 Cash Prize! See bartender for Details.”

Keeping one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over and asks the
bartender what he has to do to win the prize.

“You have to do three things and its all yours,” the bartender says.

“Just three things?” the guy asks, rubbing his hands now and imagining about
walking out of the bar $2,000 richer.

“What are the three things?”

“Well, the bartender says, “first you have to go over to that 200-pound
bouncer and knock him out…”

“After that, I’ve got a mean-tempered pit bull in the backroom who needs a
tooth pulled…”

“Then you have to go and make love to the 80-year-old lady who lives
upstairs.”

“No problem,” the guy says. He struts over to the bouncer and says, “Hey pal
your shoelace is untied.”

When the bouncer looks down at his shoes, the man flattens him with a single,
solid uppercut.

Next he heads to the back room where the pit bull is housed.

The bartender can hear tremendous commotion from the back room it sounds like
the pit bull has gone crazy.

After a few minutes the man emerges from the backroom, quite bloody and cut up
and breathing heavily.

“Okay,” he says, “where’s the old broad that needs her tooth pulled??”

Why do black women smell bad?

because of the chicken an watermelon that that find refuge in
those big sponge lips.