Category Archives: Australian Jokes

Duckhunter

One day, Bill the duck hunter was out on the border of New South
Wales and Victoria shooting ducks. He was having a really good
day, he’d already bagged 6 or 7 ducks and a park ranger came up
to him.

“Did you realise that its not duck season in Victoria anymore
mate.” said the ranger.

“I shot these ducks in New South Wales!” Bill replied swiftly.

The ranger then said, “Thats irrelivant if the ducks are from
Victoria, throw me one of the ducks, im an expert and i’ll be
able to tell you if its from Victoria, or New South Wales.”

Bill, thinking that the Ranger was a bit of a goose, obliged and
threw him the first duck. The ranger then proceeded to part the
ducks tail feathers, and then jammed his index finger straight
up the ducks arse. He then sniffed his finger and called back,

“That one is ok, its from New South Wales, send me the second
one.”

Bill laughed and sent him the second duck purley out of
interest. The ranger did the same routine again, and when he
sniffed his finger, he called back,

“This duck is from Victoria, im going to have to report you.”

“You’re kidding aren’t you mate” said Bill “You can’t possibly
tell from that!”

“Trust me, im an expert” calls the ranger “Now, what was your
name?”

“Bill Smith”

“And where are you from Bill?”

“Richmond”

“Richmond Victoria, or Richmond New South Wales?”

Bill then proceeded to un-do his belt, drop his daks, and
called back

“You’re the fucken expert, you tell me!”

The Lord Will Provide

One day in a small town during really stormy weather, the town
begins to flood. Everyone rushes to lifeboats and begins to
flee. But in a church a prriest sits on the alter and does not
move. A man runs up to him.

Man- “Father, come quickly, we have a lifeboat ready for you”.

Priest- No, there is no need for me to flee for the lord will
provide and he will save me”.

Man- “Suit yourself”

A few hours later the water has risen up to the alter where the
priest is standing. A lifeboat zooms through the door with a few
men in it. One man calls to the priest.

Man- “Father come quickly”

Priest- “No, for the lord will provide and he will save me.

So the lifeboat zooms off. A few hours later the water has risen
up to the crucifix on which the priest is hanging on. A lifeboat
zooms in.

Man- Father, the town is flooding, you must come with us to
safety.

Priest- No, the lord will provide. He will save me.

A few hours later the water rose up to the roof and the priest
drowned. Later in heaven the priest met god and said:

Man- “Lord, why didn’t you save me? I had so much faith>

God- What are you talking about!!!!!! I sent 3 bloody lifeboats
to rescue you?

Going to Belfast

An Australian was in Ireland. On his way to Belfast, he stopped
at a bar and asked one of the locals, “What’s the quickest way
to Belfast?” The Irishmen asked, “Are you walking or driving?”
The Australian replied, “I’m driving!” The Irishman said, “Aye,
that’d be the quickest way!”

The Greatest Country

There were four men, one from China, Greenland, America and one
from Australia.

One night they were bragging on how good their country are. The
Chinese said, “my country is the best cause we have the great
wall.”

The Greenlander said, “no, mine is the best as we have the
greenest greenest grass.”

The American said, “no, mine is the best as we have our flag 50
stars and 50 stripes.”

The Australian said, “no, mine is the greatest country as we
have the kangaroo which will jump over the great wall, shit on
the greenest greenest grass and wipe its ass on the American
flag.”

Australians

Australians NEVER die…

they just stay down under!