If Dear Abby was a Man

Dear Abby: Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I’m afraid he will not be faithful. A: A man’s capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behaviour.Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister. A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing – your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behaviour.Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him. A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is. A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love – we have no time to talk. A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.Q: My husband’s efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds. A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the ‘effort’ the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should – he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal. Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm. A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don’t mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don’t forget to cook him a delicious meal.

The Best Place to Meet Bill Cinton

Where is the best place to meet Bill Clinton and why?

The oval office because he can’t corner you.

2 dumb fishermen

2 dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport. After fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling it quits, Suddenly things started to happen, and they caught their limit inside of twenty minutes. paul said, (Hey we should mark this spot, so next time we will know where to come,) Jim says good idea, and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the floor of the boat….to mark the spot…. With that paul says, why did you do that, now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish.

There were three pious monks.

There were three pious monks. These monks were so pious, in fact, that
the head abbot decided one day to reward their devotion by granting
them each one day of sin, on the condition that they confess their
activities to him at the end of the day.

So, the day cometh, and the three monks go off into the night to
indulge in all manner of sin.

The first monk saunters in at 1:00 in the morning, and tries to sneak
upstairs to bed. But the head abbot, who was waiting up for the three,
stopped him and demanded that he relate his doings.

“No, head abbot,” the first monk said, “it’s too evil for me to admit!”

“The deal was for you to tell me everything you did, otherwise you will
not receive absolution!” said the abbot.

So the first monk agreed to tell what he did. “I – I – I drank! And I
did all manner of drugs! And I smoked tea bags and old polyester ties,
and I snorted coffee whitener….”

“Enough!” said the head abbot, enraged. “Those are evil sins, but I
promised to forgive you. Go out back, drink some Holy Water, say some
prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning.”

The first monk thankfully went off to follow the abbot’s instructions.

The second monk wanders in at 2:00 AM. “What did you do last night?”
demanded the head abbot.

“I can’t say! It’s much too evil!”

“The agreement was that you must tell me everything you did!”

“Okay,” agreed the second monk. “I had all manner of sex. I had sex
with young girls, young boys, small furry quadrupeds, large species of
flora, my CD player…”

“Enough!” cried the head abbot. “That is a truly great sin. But I
promised to give you absolution. Go out back and drink some Holy
Water. Then say some prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning.”

The second monk sauntered off to do just that.

And the third and final monk crawls in at 3:00 in the morning.

“What,” asks the head abbot, “did you do this evening?”

“No, head abbot, it’s too great a sin to admit. I cannot tell!”

“The agreement, monk! You must tell me!”

The third monk bowed his head and nodded. “All right, head abbot. Last
night I…I…”

“Yes?”

“I pissed in the Holy Water.”