Choices

A man was seated next to a stiff-looking Baptist minister on a flight to Wichita. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The man asked for a whiskey and soda, which he got. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips.”

The man then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “I didn’t know there was a choice.”

Rude Parrot

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was
fully-grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every
other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were,
to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude. He was
constantly saying polite words and playing soft music; he tried
everything he knew. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird,
the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder
and ruder.

Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the
freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking
and screaming horrible expletives. Then, suddenly, there was
quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the
bird and opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and
said, “I’m sorry that I might have offended you with my language
and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to
correct my behavior.” David was astounded at the bird’s change
of attitude and was about to ask what had changed him . . . when
the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”

Sadamm body doubles

The night after the US dropped bunker bomb on Sadamm. Iraqs minister of information is holding a meeting of the polictcal elite. A body double gets up and asks about sadamms status. The minister tells them theres good news and bad news. The good news is he is alive. The bad news is he lost an arm

Q: How many Indiana

Q: How many Indiana University “notes” users does it take to change a light bulb?A: Have you ever wondered why it’s so dark in Bloomington?

SciFi Writers

Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two, but it’s actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one’s shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.